I take a selfie with my carnival outfit put together quickly. I am half ballerina, half BDSM — a repressed childhood dream of becoming a ballet dancer, never dared expressed out of shame, combined with a faux-leather slutty top bought for a sex party. Both find their home in the party — a space of excess where fantasies are played out. I love to party, but at 43 it comes at a price. It consists of multiple chemicals for every phase: prevention, recreation, performance and recovery. The contrast interests me: between an innocent childhood dream never realised, and the excessive, at times self-destructive nature of my adult life — and I wonder: did something go wrong?

Pleasure seeking
        reduce the damage

               a constellation of substances
               plunging into
               landscapes of glitter and sweat

prevent, consume, perform, recover
from end to end

                   Feedback loops
               come back

pleasure seeking
        reduce the damage

              again.